Ann-Marie Spittle

THE PAIN IN MY HEART

IWVPA Club Recognition of Outstanding Non-War Related Writing: December 2, 2005
Awarded: December 2, 2005
It starts small at first
As I walk from the place
That housed our dreams
That made me whole
And look at the children
What if rests its hands on my shoulder
And whispers lies into my ear
“What if he had stayed?”
“What if he had committed?”
But my head knows best
You had a greater destiny than love

My feet start to tingle
And I know I am close to our place
Where sunshine always fell
Even on the black days
I release the hound of despondency
Leave it roam about as I do most days
Hear it feed on my desolation
And snuffle into the safe places
Where what’s left of me has hidden

You had to do it!
Tear my heart from my chest
With your words of goodbye
And as the last beats of love pulsed
Placed its already decaying carcass back
With the words “But you would have done the same”

Strange how people claim they know your soul
Yet have no time to find it
They are to enraptured with themselves
While they twang the fine cords of fear
That they will leave you for another
And then the day comes
And all becomes black

Now darkness is my friend
Sits with me at the dinner table
And asks me to denounce you
While light is tied up in the corner
Muffled with one of your old ties
The one with the singing reindeer
While you are away in a place I cannot follow
And my heart hurts in my chest
As if a thousand eagles were tearing at it
Prometheus never bore such pain
And my flame grows dim

I hug myself to give self relief
Hoping my inner child will feel better
But it sulks in a corner
Not wanting to play
As you’ve broken their hoop
And cut their skipping rope

The hound returns and sets up home
Lounging and lolling within me
Sniffing out the child
But they are smart and hide in the box
Maybe one day another will open it
But not today

Darkness calls my name
And I know I am home
Despite its cloying feel
It’s familiar as a witch’s toad
Spraying its poison in my heart
Coagulating my synapses
Until they feel like stone
And I am a statue

Since you have stolen my flame

Written for the December 2005 IWVPA Club Theme Project, “Fidelity