Ann-Marie Spittle

DLTBGYD
(Don’t Let the Bastards Get You Down)

Memories of past slights burn deep within my heart
And some days they burn deeper than before
A single phrase or smell may make my memory depart
To times my life often fell into the deep dark depths
I return to days when threats were there each day
Memories swirl and mix on these occasions
And voices come to me in others mouths
When I knew not what would happen in my home
Or in a far off place away from said

A demon in a so-called carer’s body had replaced
A loving, caring, soul I had once known
I survived by doing what was best
Until my power I could own and be myself again
But once evil has a hold on you it’s hard
To shake off badness that cloys like dried up blood

So I signed up
Thinking I would cure the pains I felt inside
But, as the wise man sayeth, I went from the fat into the fire
And was faced by those of similar ilk
Can they smell you’ve suffered?
Do they have inbuilt radar?

And so again I survived
And played the game of training
Dreaming of a better life without the words
Those words Life destroying words
That break backs and destroy souls
That try to make you end it to relive the pain

But sometimes pressure cookers blow
And so did I
And was branded a lesbian bitch
Though I was straight
Because I stood my ground
Because I didn’t fancy THEM
Because, because

And then I left with body broken
Heart sliced open
Wondering why I had put myself through this
But I knew I was stronger
But in which way?
Had it all been worth the pain?

The relationships outside were weak
They didn’t understand the need
For order and discipline that ruled my life
Family made fun of what I’d done
Yet I stood tall and knew that jealousy was all it was
That they had not, and I had

But men are different
Faced with a woman who has lived in a man’s world
Survived and had fond memories
They felt weak, so resorted to the same
As those who I had left behind
So I stopped telling them my secrets
Kept them in the deep dark recess
That became my soul

But children need to know
It’s the law
And try as I might I cannot hide from him
Especially when he plays his “Warhammer” games
And asks me how to form his army
And from somewhere comes the knowledge he requires
Once he tells me the rules of the game
Guess you can’t fight what’s always been there

I have given up the search for one
Whose love can match his own
For when the black moods take me he just accepts them
And hugs me when the tears come
And asks for no explanation
Save that I need a hug

Maybe one day, maybe never
I will find one as good as him
But I do know this
Whoever the lucky lady is to get my cherub
She’d better treat him right
Or she’ll feel my fist

Ann-Marie Spittle

DLTBGYD (Don’t Let the Bastards Get You Down)

DLTBGYD
(Don’t Let the Bastards Get You Down)