Frank J. Montoya
ATTN: ALL PERSONNEL
SUBJECT: CORPORATE SECURITY
This office has been notified by Corporate Security that there have been a number of suspected terrorists working throughout our Company facilities. Three suspects have been apprehended and taken into custody. They go by the names of: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin. Security has also advised that a fourth suspect cannot be located. The name he has been using, which is thought to be an alias, is Bin Workin. Security is quick to point out that anyone who looks as though he’s Workin will be easy to spot. Furthermore, an alarm sounding early this morning is our Detroit branch has turned out to be a false alarm inasmuch as it was traced to a newly hired employee by the name of Bin Smokin. Bin Smokin is not considered a terrorist, but has received a reprimand for causing the false alarm. Also included in receipts of reprimands for conduct unbecoming employees of this Company while acting in their official capacities are Bin Lyin, Bin Gamblin, Bin Goofin, Bin Cavortin, Bin Guzzlin and Bin Moonin. Personnel Director, Bin Cannin, warns that such conduct will not be tolerated and could result in dismissal.
Our San Francisco office reports that employee morale is at a new low sine the recent attacks in New York and Washington. Many employees have demonstrated anxiety and depression, including such well-known middle managers as Bin Cryin, Bin Bawlin and Bin Whinin. Therefore, Human Resources Director, Spirit Bin Liftin, has hired a number of entertainers who will tour all our company locations in an effort to raise employee spirits and hopefully raise levels of production. Those hired are Mahamad Bin Jokin, Fatima Bin Singin and Alota Bin Strippin.
On a more serious note, a report from our Brownsville, Texas Branch has let to a company-wide awareness in regards to unconventional warfare. Several suspected terrorists in that area have been apprehended and are charged with attempted chemical and biological warfare. They have been identified by the Texas Rangers as Bin Coughin, Bin Sneezin, and Bin Belchin. Rangers are still searching for one of the most dangerous terrorists known to man He seems to be anywhere and everywhere. He strikes from nowhere, without warning, and then disappears like a summer breeze. A social outcast, he has been definitely identified as the notorious Oyesi Bi Fartin.
All branches will receive updates as they become available. In the meantime, our corporate CEO advises all employees to do as he has. He’s Bin Smilin.
©Copyright October 30, 2001 by Frank J. Montoya