John McCloy

I BURP, I FART, I DRIBBLE

I looked in the mirror, what did I see?
A grey haired old man
Whom I didn’t know.
He wasn’t here yesterday,
I know that for sure;
Or the day before yesterday;
Oh where did time go?

Where is the young man
Who could run like the wind?
No wrinkles, long hair
And a body so trim.
He must have moved out,
Not a word did he say;
Oh how I wish now
I could be just like him.

Now I burp and I fart and I dribble,
I just don’t have any control.
My bodily functions have taken me over;
All of me, body and soul
It’s not that I want to be rude,
Or funny, or a lack of good management,
It’s just that I have a build up of wind
And I’m guilty of burping and flatulence.

When I wake in the morning my pillow is drenched
With the night’s full quota of dribbling;
And if I should sleep on a plane or a train
It’s embarrassing to me, there’s no quibbling.
It’s hard to explain to the person next seat,
When I’ve fallen asleep on their shoulder,
Why their ears ring from my snores and their shoulders are wet
And it’s because I am now getting older.

It seems with each step that I take on the road,
Tho’ I do everything not to start,
So often when I plant foot after foot
For some unexplained reason I fart.
Now I know that this causes amusement to some;
I hear all the sniggers behind,
But please understand I don’t do it by choice;
It’s my body that lets it unwind.

The food that I eat used to be quite a treat
Hot curries and food that was spicy;
I would sleep through the night, no problems at all
Because nothing I ate was real dicey.
However, things change and now the food that I eat
Or flavourless soup that I slurp
Makes my stomach play up and at incorrect times
I let out a thundering burp.

It seems as I age and get long in the tooth
I have lost an important ability
Its’ not that I want it, I just can’t control it
I’m now in the prime of senility[•].
My jaw sags when I’m sleeping, my tum moans when I’m eating
And if these things don’t happen I fart.
So please empathise, walk a mile in my shoes
For it’s certain one day you’ll all start.

My memory’s good if you consider my age
I can walk at a reasonable rate
My hearing is fine, I wear glasses to read
And I do have a problem with weight.
So as you can see, there’s nothing the matter with me
I’m not really falling apart
It’s just these few things that I wish were not there
I dribble, I burp and I fart.