It’s been like this for weeks now, years really, when I think about it.
I don’t remember exactly when it started, or what it was like for that matter, only that it wasn’t always like this.
Or maybe it was, and I just don’t remember it. Its like those childhood summers, they all seem so full of sunshine and bare feet playing football on the grass; the green grass.
It came on a Wednesday. See, that’s kind of sneaky, because you don’t expect it on a Wednesday. It was a dark and stormy night. No, honestly it was a dark and stormy night. Well maybe not so dark, but very dark. I think. It’s dark now anyway, but it isn’t Wednesday. Its still here though.
It wasn’t a big thing really. No death in the family or trouble at work, hell my team even won the match that night. It just sort of sneaked up on me from behind. And that gets to me too you see, because you see I always think that I’m difficult to sneak up on from behind. I know it’s an illness and I should see a doctor and all. But you see – if I pretend it isn’t there then I bet it’ll go away. It isn’t real anyways. It can’t be. I’m not like that. I know it happens to a lot of people, it has nothing to do with being strong and there’s no shame in it. They shouldn’t feel ashamed, I’ve told them so many times myself. They gave a lot to keep us all safe and the least we can do is provide good health care for them.
I didn’t really mean it though. Not deep down inside I think. Well maybe I did, for them. But I’m not like them, am I? I’m a better soldier then most, sure as hell am a better officer than most of the ignorant pencil pushers around. Oh, and I’m an above average driver too. Just like 80% of the rest of the people out there on the roads.
It came on a Wednesday? How can you say something like that? That’s ridiculous… makes no sense at all.
I’m sure something’s wrong with my eyes. Maybe I’ve got a brain tumour or something. That thing with my ear you know, maybe it isn’t cold water and high pressure that caused the damage. Maybe I caught something on one of those dives – some strange little animal that crept inside my ear, like a snake or scorpion or something. And it doesn’t show up on any tests because nobody knows its name around here. It’s probably eating its way through my brain right now. Have you ever felt an itch in your brain before? Or a sting? Like something bit you?
Maybe it was something radioactive in one of those ships and it got into the water. Maybe I have radiation burns in my ear; or it could just be the cold water and pressure from the deep dives and explosions.
That’s what the doc says.
He’s a good doc, the doc. One of the best diving docs in the world I think. He can’t fix the ringing though, can he? The damn ringing all the time. Like if you’ve been to the range without the earplugs or something. Damn loud ringing. He can’t fix that; can’t fix the damn ringing. Wouldn’t be one of the best diving docs in the world if he could fix the ringing, he’d be THE best diving doc then.
They say it doesn’t even go away if you go deaf. Or so they say. Jonny used to say that. He lost his hearing. Or can you say he lost it really? He worked hard to get rid of it you know. You don’t really lose something you’re trying to get rid of, do you? He lost his mind first I think. His hearing protection looked normal, but they were just empty shells. He had taken out all the dampers. It helped, he said. For a while – but now he can’t hear the 7200 horsepower twin engines on the boat anymore. Or anything else for that matter. Only the damn ringing. He still hears that he says. Or maybe he just remembers what it sounded like.
Could be worse though. I heard about this guy that cut his eyelids off once, to keep himself from falling asleep. He didn’t want to dream, you see. Or was that just A Nightmare on Elm Street?
I won’t do that though. I’m so tired I want to sleep all the time. I sit awake at night sometimes, daydreaming… or night dreaming if you will. Most of the time I dream that I’m happy. Good job, nice house, decent car, Mona, Simon and the girls and myself. But sometimes I dream that I’m sleeping. How weird is that? Do you ever dream you’re sleeping? Daydream that you’re sleeping, that is?
“You’re not like the other dads” Simon said to me. Man, is he right
©Copyright October 2003 by Per Cod