THROUGH A CHILD’S EYE
You can do nothing to bring the dead back to life but you can do much to save the living from death. ~ Anon
I am a survivor of attempted suicide.
A lot of feelings pass through your heart in the moments before attempting to end your own life; feelings of no place in this world. Your mind races so fast that there is no conception of time or a life in the days to come. I, personally, have found myself in this situation several times.
The first was when I was somewhere around eight years old. Coming from a very large family there should have been a lot of love and support all around us. If there was I didn’t see or feel it. All I can remember is a very dysfunctional family – and that has not changed. Without a doubt I had all the symptoms of a disturbed child. To hear a couple of my sisters talk now, I was a wild child – biting and striking out all of the time. I tried on more than one occasion to cause my siblings physical harm. Always saying “I wish I was dead” and “nobody loves me”. The sad part is – that was how I truly felt. Deep inside my mind and soul I was alone.
We had moved away from my Grandma and she was the only person I had to talk to. My Grandma is the only person in the whole wide world that I know loved me every day of my life. She loved me just the way I was, unconditionally. When I lost her in my everyday life I felt I ran out of options. It was either live or die. I remember taking some pills out of the medicine chest. I didn’t know what they were or how much to take, but I believed it would be over for me if I took more than one of them. Well, I took around three or four of something. All I got out of it was bouncing off the walls for several days.
The second time I attempted to take my life I was a teenager. I got married at a young age with visions of my own happy home. From my wedding night on, my ex-husband was physically and mentally abusive. We hadn’t been married more than a few months and I fell pregnant. I will never forget the night he got drunk and beat me. I remember thinking I was so alone with no place to go. So scared, I sat on the front porch wishing he would come to me and say he was sorry. As usual, he passed out.
That night I lost the baby and saw no reason to live another day. I took a handful of Sominex. All I got was real sick; it didn’t stay in my stomach long enough to even help me sleep. I would have left that relationship then if I felt I had somewhere to go. I know the only reason that I am still alive is because of my ignorance as to how many pills it takes to cause death, and God taking care of me.
There are a lot of things to consider before attempting to end your own life. Death is final. Nothing else is beyond changing. There are always options if we look hard enough to see them. I thank God for sparing my life and giving me children of my own. I have learned to love myself as well as others. I am loved in return. Things I experienced in childhood have made me a better parent. I know one thing without a doubt – God loves me and always has.
©Copyright 2001 by Eileen Breedlove