Author Unknown

THE DEATH OF SANTA CLAUS
The Afghanistan War Version, adapted from the Vietnam War Version

Well, there’s strange things done ‘neath the Afghani sun
But the time that locked my jaws
Was the night ‘neath the moon when the third platoon
Gunned down Santa Claus.

Well it started off right, just an ordinary night
We had to spend in the dirt.
Security was out, three sixty about,
With fifty-percent alert.

We had eighty-ones, and the Apache guns,
The tanks were track to track,
A.50 cal or so and an arty FO
With barrages back to back.

A sound gave me chills, ‘cause out of the hills,
Eight horses came running on sand.
This may sound silly, but them mustangs looked frilly,
“My God!” I thought, “Mounted Taliban!”

He was coming our way in what looked like a sleigh,
But then you never know what they’ll use.
The flares were tripped, and the PEWs had flipped,
And the Thermals blew a fuse.

We let him get close, and then yelled, “Who goes?”
Like they do in the movie show.
And the answer we got, believe it or not,
Was a hearty “Ho, Ho, Ho.”

Now those troops of mine, they’d seen some time,
And we’d done some things back-asswards:
They may be thick, but I’ll tell you a trick,
They knew THAT wasn’t the password!

The eighty-ones soared, and the.50 cals roared,
The Apaches raised some hell.
A bright red flare flew through the air,
And we fired our FPL.

I’ll give him guts, but that guy was nuts,
Or I’m a no good liar.
He dropped like a stone in the killing zone,
And I passed the word, “Cease Fire!”

I went out and took a real good look,
My memory started to race.
My mind plays games when it comes to names,
But I never forget a face.

He was dressed all in red, and he looked well fed,
He was older than most I’d seen.
He looked right weird with that long white beard,
And them stumps where his legs had been.

He hadn’t quite died, when I reached his side,
But the end was clearly in sight.
I knelt down low, and he said real slow,
“Merry Christmas, and to all a good night!”

We should have known, our “cool” was blown,
When the light in the east we seen.
But it looked like flares, and it couldn’t be theirs,
Or the damned things would have been green!

So I picked up the hook, with a voice that shook,
And said “Gimme the Six and be quick.”
“Colonel,” I said “Hang onto your head;
We just greased old Saint Nick.”

Now the ol’ Man’s cool, he’s nobody’s fool,
Right off he knew the word.
If this got out, there’d be no doubt,
He wouldn’t be making his “bird.”

“Just get him up here, and we’ll play it by ear,
Make sure of the Med-Evac tag,
Dismantle that sleigh, drive them reindeer away,
And bury that stupid bag.”

Now by and by, the kids may cry,
‘Cause there’s nothing on Christmas mornin’,
But the word just came in, from headquarters men
That Santa had gone over to Bin Laden.

Well, there’s strange things done, ‘neath the Afghani sun,
But the time that locked my jaws,
Was that night ‘neath the Moon when the third platoon,
Gunned down Santa Claus.